Caleb Newcastle

Which bit? The "find all the stupid items" bit or the "run away from the heartless because you can't fight them and this actually isn't one of those prescripted Final Fantasy 'death' moments?" Still I Kingdom Hearts... I'd like to nominate Max Payne's "explosives don't affect the scenery under any circumstances... unless it's the end of the game and you have to knock something over".

I bought my copy for £50 "buy it now" on ebay because it probably wasn't going to hang round that long. It was worth it though more as an artifact rather than a game. It's not exactly taxing. Cost me more than the mega cd to play it on, mind.

My ex-girlfriend did too ("ooh ooh, Otacon's face is going to go all daft and big now!") but she was a bit strange. It still feels a little cheap to me. They drew new art for the package but couldn't be arsed with the codec? My problem with the tank hangar was actually getting away from the guards long enough to actually hide in the first place. I missed the AP sensor and kept legging it to a hiding place only to find another two guards waiting to shoot me. D'oh. Oh and the problem with the tank and chaff went like this. Throw chaff grenade. Grenade goes off. Start running towards tank. Cut-scene of Raven popping out of the tank and laughing. Cut scene ends by which point chaff has worn off. Bang! Snake runs straight into tank shell.

qcb + s, qcb + k, f, d, df + hs, hcb, t + hs

I played this for a good couple of hours at my 'mate's' on Sunday and my initial impression is that the difficulty level seems all over the place. Avoiding the guards isn't too hard; they're a bit more sensitive to noise and the like admittedly but their routes seem pretty much the same. Similarly I didn't have any problems running up and snapping their necks. However once they have spotted you you're fucked. MGS was enclosed at the best of time and trying to find somewhere to hide in the tank hangar with twelve guards after you is a fucking nightmare. Same with warhead storage; you might as well go back to the last save as soon as the gas starts up. It also feels a little silly when Snake's quite clearly hiding in the only locker on the entire floor yet the guards still give up searching despite having been gunning him down like a bitch scant minutes before. Well sillier. It was a little daft in the first place. However my main gripe is with the boss fights (or at least the ones I've done). Ocelot can be taken out in three shots using the M9. WTF? The tank fight on the other hand is incredibly unforgiving (chaff grenades wearing off during cut-scenes, grenades only working if you get them right in the turret, a turning circle that you can't out run if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time). As for the ninja, I vaguely remember reading somewhere that the fight in Twin snakes will be how you remember it from now on. Well balls to that. Maybe they were trying to get away from the learn by rote approach back on the PSX but the leeway you're given in avoiding his attacks means it's a cakewalk. And why no malfunctioning at the end? If they were going to do that they should at least have given him a few more lines... he repeats himself a hell of a lot... Still it's a laugh, which is weird, because MGS wasn't. Fun yes, but the Twin Snakes with its uber-produced cut-scenes feels like a tongue-in-cheek comedy redux. "If you thought Otacon pissing himself was funny, wait til you see him piss himself twice!oneone!!111" And retrieving the pal card after the tank fight. And the ninja in his overblown glory. Heck. I wish they'd taken the opportunity to poke a little more fun at the entire concept. "Now you'll see why they call me [twirlytwirlytwirlytwirlytwirlytwirlyfuckingtwirly] Revolver!" "Well, duh." Or "You like the Beatles?" And trying not to be negative again; hands up who felt cheated by the codec faces?

Man, this is heavy.

Strange that sounds exactly like the kind of thing Anderson would put his name to. Remember Space Precinct? Or his concept for CABS? Or both the previous fucking Thunderbirds movies?

Sorry. Mid rant insensitivity. Changed now.

Don't be silly. He's in a... Oh. we probably can't go there, can we?

What? Really? You nailed mantis on the PS1 first time even without Campbell's hint? I'm impressed. He dodged absolutely fucking everything I threw at him...

No they're not. They're either paper-thin concepts padded out for far too long, interesting concepts with nowhere near enough time for anything good to be made of them or those two slap-yourself-in-the-face-that's-some-cliched-shit-right-there 'history' toons written by the Wachowski siblings. Some pretty animation, yes. But about as significant as an episode of Aeon Flux. And half as fun.

Don't be silly. He's a comedian...

Or Fightbox 2. "Graphics to die for!"

Ah. So they've learned a lot from Sons of Liberty then.

Sammy aren't evil. No one who actually bothers publishing new 2d beat em ups could possibly be evil. Could they?

A little holiday at The Priory?

Oh right. Sorry. You can't be expected to "edit" the whole magazine. As for the image. Resident Evil; "It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence." "Like It's A Knockout?" So yeah. I can see that...

Being mauled with a chainsaw because you can't turn round fast enough?

Well I know when I was thirteen/fourteen you could sell anything to me provided it had graphic violence and/or semi-naked women in it. I guess it was that old trying to be grown up cliche. I have many old issues of Toxic and Total carnage that will testify to that effect.

Hang on. You put that image on the cover because it's extremely striking and will get people to pick up the magazine. Then have to put it in a plastic bag because some people would be disturbed by the cover. So then the only people intrigued by a 'censored' resident evil cover are people who know the game and won't really be that surprised by the image. Tell me how exactly does that work? Did the Sammy article not pan out? Couldn't get any good images from it? Or is this the 'mainstreaming' in action? "Wow! Censored cover? Mum! I want this one!"

You can't however drop a gamecube & player in the bath... Well you could. But it would kill you...

Tch? How do I pronounce that? Anyway they might be at the side. Or on the pause screen. Or on my SP which no doubt has to be plugged in for zombie-dar; essential for preventing such chainsaw neck interfaces from occurring...

Hang on. Is that from a death/game over cut scene? I hope so because seeing as he's getting a chainsaw in the fucking neck I don't think any amount of herbs is going to patch that up. Or is it just a promo image? "Now when you can't turn round in time because of our shityy controls we're going to make THIS happen to you! Mwahahaha!"

So why is it an Armada game then?

The Misadventures of Tron Bonne is a criminally underrated comedy/puzzle/rpg/actioner/steal 'em up. And far superior to the Megaman Legends series from which it was a spin off. Controls are still pish though.