Caleb Newcastle

I don't get that worked up about it, just like a roll eyes to myself.

I'm used to it now.

If gaming was female centred, and only a few guys played games,

would you be bothered that the men were stupidly handsome, super buff and with a massive bulge in the front of their trousers?

If after they were rescued they did the dishes, and didn't fall asleep immediately after sex?

If games were female-centric it would be much more a fifty-fifty split between "Diet Coke Break" man and all those utter spanners you get failing to do the dishes, accidentally burning the dog while cooking in a kind of "God! Aren't men just soooo stupid?" way.

And sex is tiring. Afterwards is snuggling and sleepy time. Talk about your feelings before hand...

Although it might pave the way for conversions of things like LA Machineguns.

Which was also awesome.

Yes it was.

Shut up. I liked it.

I hate Kurt Russel and Bruce Willis.

I'm being harsh on old Snakey though.

He's old enough to be my Dad, but I suppose he's not that ugly.

And, yeah, it's Snake. I'd be mad not to!

Well then. What about Raiden?

It's interesting though but most of my female friends don't really have a problem with the female characters in games being sort of stereotypical provided that a) they're not overtly drool fodder for low IQ neanderthal morons b ) they're not simpering wusses (my ex-girlfriend used to yell at Meryl to shut the hell up every time she went on about how she didn't use her make-up like other women) and c) they're kind of cool and kick ass in a Charlie's Angels sort of way.

Cranberry Jam from Guilty Gear XX may flash her panties and be a waitress but my mate Katy loves her...

Snake is ugly.

I would though.

You don't like mullets or something? He may be ugly on Twin Snakes (Burn!) but I always thought he was some kind of ideal action hero type bloke for da ladeeez. A bit like Kurt Russell or Bruce Willis.

And of course you would. It's Snake.

The sterility is a bonus. No wee Snake babies nine months down the line while he's off sneaking around somewhere...

It's in black now? Oooooh.

However what I don't understand is why. Silent Scope isn't a light gun game. Well at least it wasn't...

Oh and Virtua Cop Elite isn't imaginary and is really cheap in Safeway's. Right now.

I see what you're saying but don't think it's quite the same.

It's just an average bloke isn't it?

Not the "ideal" form.

Tommy Vercetti, average bloke shaped.

So is Ryo, Snake etc.

Might be a bit buff but they spend their time beating people up.

Having double DD boobs does not help when raiding tombs or kicking peole in the face.

Aye. But they're always ruggedly good looking. And the female NPCs always fancy them. You never get a dog ugly special forces guy who breaks people's necks like they were twigs but can't get a date because he's got big ears and no chin...

Well, they are, aren't they?

Most are based on such a simple concept that they can be explained to non-gamers in a matter of seconds (shoot the bad guys, don't shoot the good guys, shoot off screen to reload). They use a peripheral that's blindingly easy to use and everyone can relate to (no confusing button layouts, analogue doobries or x y axis movement shenanigans; just point and shoot). And to top it all off because they're so easy to play, people want to play which in turn makes people impressed when you are actually good at them.

I was bored over the weekend so I dug out my old Stunner and fired up Virtua Cop 2 on my Saturn. It's still gold. And while I was spending time plugging perps in the face with some well placed shots my wee ginger female flat-mate who plays nothing except Pokémon pinball on the GBC comes home and starts arguing with me about how she's better than me at it (She got the high score. Once. Using gun select.). Seriously: name one other genre of game where casual and gamer can end up in that kind of conversation.

Yes they're probably very limited but in a world of complex stat heavy RPGs and L337 skillz FPS it's nice to have some common ground with people who don't play games rather than trying desperately to get them to explain the controls of some random Japanese weirdness you're sure they'd really really like.

Oh and Time Crisis fans: not even. Virtua Cop 2 is still the Daddy.

And the classy scene where Batman punches out one of The Joker's teeth

Fuck yeah. What on earth am I talking about, "no better than an average Batman: TAS episode?" It's sheer Dark Knight awesomeness pretty much throughout. Like when he busts up the money counterfeiters at the start and the guy stuck under the table is reaching for his gun and Bats just stomps on the table and the arm goes limp. Man, that kicks ass...

How can I see Mask of The Phantasm? I've always wanted to see it but there are no R2 DVDs

There's always VHS. Cheaper than a pack of Fags. Well, almost.

I'd offer to lend you my tape but I don't know if I've got it in Glasgow. It's pretty good but no better than an average episode of Batman: TAS. And there are better episodes of that...

Edit: Check that. It's worth seeing for The Joker taking a knee to the nads.

All in all, another fine feature from CHUD, on par with their 100 best kills . Shame I can't find my copy of Movie Insider

I'm betting the Last Boy Scout one at #24 is the "I'm going to need a light... touch me again and I'll kill you." scene. Or the Furry Tom shoot out. Or the helicopter blades. Or...

Damn. The Last Boy Scout is the best 'dumb' western produced action movie ever, isn't it?

"Yeah, but Jar Jar makest the Ewoks look like fucking... Shaft."

"Leave the coffee."

"It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence."

"Like It's A Knockout?"

"Clever Boys."

i think it's him you should be speaking to, don't you?

Perhaps you're right.

However he doesn't seem to accept that people don't like games and demand they justify it. By engaging in this catharsis I hope I can get my point across. He does post round these parts. Usually gets ignored though. Or hi-jacks my account and makes me come out.

I've only played 2 & 4. I've enjoyed them both, but my mates don't 'get' them. I think it's too slow for them. But me and the misses have had the odd good game (it's one of the only games she will play)

It's a shame my mates don't like it as I really do think it's got a lot of potential.

Maybe one day they'll get it.

No offense but I also have a 'friend' like you who claims that Mario Party 4 is the "best multiplayer game on the Gamecube." Despite it sitting next to a perfectly good copy of Smash Brothers Melee. And the fact that every time we play it the only person who enjoys it is him and the rest of us want to nail him to a wall and force feed him hot tar and bees for making us play such a mind numbingly boring, random event dependent, joy-free pile of shite.

Again.

Alright. But I heard

In Resident Evil 4 players are reacquainted with Leon S. Kennedy, Raccoon City Police Department's idealistic rookie cop from Resident Evil 2. It has been six years since the destruction of Raccoon City and in that time, the U.S. government has been able to destroy the nefarious Umbrella Corporation. Fast forward to 2004 and players rejoin Leon, who is now a U.S. agent with a top-secret mission. He has been tasked to look into the abduction of the President's daughter and his investigation has led him to a mysterious location in Europe. As Leon encounters unimaginable horrors, he must find out who or what is behind everything.

Which is quite a bit different...

Does Ron Perlman count as a non-star? If so I'd like to vote for him because he rocks balls.

"Can you blush?"

Nice mini-games.

Stupid dumb-ass tedious piece-of-shit board fucking game in be-fucking- tween. Christ. If I wanted to lose a game on a roll of a dice I'd get Ludo out of the fucking cupboard. Or mouse trap. At least I could burn it afterwards.

Well I now know that if I ever receive a letter from my dead wife talking about how she's waiting for me in "our special place" it's probably just symptomatic of my deep seated guilt over her death and I really shouldn't go trying to find her.

Or if I do I should at least take a radio. And a big fucking gun.

The difficulty I have is reconciling any movie production of Batman with the sheer genius of the animated series.

That voice coming from that face is something that summed up the entire concept of the character for me.

I even mark out for Bruce Wayne focussed episodes of Batman Beyond which is a terribly underrated cartoon.

From Rebirth:

Jokerz Leader "Don't you know who you're dealing with old man? We're the Jokerz!"

Bruce Wayne "Sure you are."

From Shriek:

Terry "So, how did you know that you weren't going crazy?"

Bruce Wayne "The voice I heard called me Bruce. In my mind I never call myself that.

Terry "So what do you call yourself, then?"

Bruce Wayne [in that voice] "What do you think?"

Brilliance. Utter Brilliance.

The extra songs are some Sega tracks, like Magical Sound Shower, Super SOnic Racing, and so on. All genius.

And of course

This!!!!

"Just do it! Just Burning Rangers!"

Face it, you're all complaining because you're rubbish.

Hmm... Combos are one of those things where you realise practise can only take you so far in a video game. If you can't input the sequences because of a lack of speed/co-ordination/rhythm/timing then you are indeed fucked. And no amount of practise is going to help you.

Btw Two Heavens... your GG combo. Who's it for?

The menu load time is terrible though, yeah :/

As is the battle load time. And with a lot of battles it's fucking annoying. Tedious, grind you into the ground, I want to burn myself with hot pokers I'm so angry, annoying.

Played it for hours on emulation though. And it is great. Except that like all FF games there is an absolute shitload of puzzles/items that are completely unsolvable without a FAQ because there are NO FUCKING CLUES in the game. None.

This sort of thing is ok on a PS2 fansite but not from the offical website.

Well. I guess you've got to aim for your target audience. I'm not generalising about PS2 owners but if you want advice on software purchases from a hardware manufacturer then you're more than likely to be a fanboy dolt.

Oh? What kept it out of the classic bracket, in your opinion?

Although I accept Deus Ex is rightly in a lot of people's classic bracket, when I actually got around to playing it I found that it didn't live up to my personal expectations.

If you go into something having benn told to expect immersive and open-ended gameplay with multiple solutions to problems and find instead limited solutions to problems (ie 2 or 3), unkillable NPCs and a storyline driven by prescripted events it can be very dissappointing.

Maybe this is just a general problem with "classic" games in general. I know on numerous occasions I have walked away from critically acclaimed and popular games wondering exactly how the hell the experience I've had relates to the amazing time everyone else seems to have had.

Mario 64 - Just did not like. At all. Can't stand it. Best platform game ever apparently.

Zelda Oot - Ditto. Although replace platform with action RPG. Or whatever.

Of course that's usually the cue for other gamers to go "what about such and such a gameplay aspect or when event x happened" but sometimes those same aspects that make it great in other people's eyes made it a loathsome chore in my own. See also the Flood (though I do quite like Halo for the most part).

Technical competence aside, videogames are for the most part subjective experiences.

Well if you don't like Mario 64 then you won't like any 3d platformers. At all. Ever.

I know that's accurate for me.

And I can't emulate Elite. I don't have a PC.

I've played truckloads of games that are supposedly "teh best evah" and really not enjoyed them at all but as for great games that I haven't played...

Elite.

Primarily because you can't get the NES version without hocking your kidneys and I really don't have anywhere to put BBC micro...