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The Apprentice


Belbo
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Much to my own personal astonishment I'm finding myself warming to Melody.

Sure, she will walk over anyone to achieve her goal, but she's refreshingly honest about it. There's no subterfuge with Melody - she's there to win, will grab as much glory for herself as she possibly can, but she's not going to actively screw people over in the process. She was obviously genuinely offended on an ideological level by Zoe's incredible bitchiness. She wouldn't stab people in the back, it wouldn't even occur to her to do so.

She's also a lot more attractive when you get used to her crazy nasal voice.

The woman of the future!

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There's no subterfuge with Melody - she's there to win, will grab as much glory for herself as she possibly can, but she's not going to actively screw people over in the process.

The woman of the future!

So I guess you forgot about the baby cart and her spinning of the market research to get her own way screwing the rest of the group. Or heck she didn't screw the group up either when she managed to book all those appointments but instead decided to not share and help her team slide into failure. Other than that she's nice eye candy.

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I spotted this on her website

In 2008, Hossaini received a "Woman of the Future" Award for her work in the youth sector, presented by HRH Princess Badiya bint El Hassan of Jordan and HRH Princess Zahra Aga Khan.

The judges said: "What Melody has achieved at just 23 is remarkable. It would not surprise me if Melody herself were, one day, to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize."

Lol

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What a week. Here’s a simple example: On Monday I buy my usual weekly train season ticket for £57. I usually keep the receipt in my ticket holder wallet and as a result my ticket holder has become quite chunky as a result of keeping about a year’s worth of receipts on there. I think to myself “look at this OCD bullshit, I’ve never needed a single one of these receipts yet here they are, all stacked up. I’m going to throw this week’s one away and end the cycle”.

So I leave my receipt and get on the train, however when I get to my destination I look at my ticket holder and my photocard has disappeared. It must have fallen out of the out of shape ticket holder as I was putting the new season ticket in. I go to the ticket office to explain the situation and the guy says that if I have my receipt with me I should be able to use my season ticket for the day but I’d need to get a new photocard asap. Of course, I don’t have the receipt, because I tried to “break the circle” of my receipt collection.

I resign myself to the fact I’m £57 out of pocket and that I’ll have to take myself to a photo booth to get some new photos of my fucking melon head, which I always hate as I look dreadful in literally any photograph. It’s not like I’m the best looking guy at the best of times, I’m not deluded to think that, however I swear when I look in the mirror I look at least half-way decent and not like the weird fuck who stares back at me from photos I’m in. Anyway, I put off getting a new photocard until the weekend and for the rest of the week I buy daily single tickets (at £12 a pop), and for the rest of the week I miss a few trains because of confused twats holding up the ticket machines because they don’t know what they’re doing, but that’s another story.

So, it’s Friday, the end of this horrible week right? I get to work and go for a shower, which I skipped at home because I wanted to actually get to work on time today (which I didn’t manage anyway as I got held up by confused people at the ticket machine again), and the work shower is out of order. Great, now I get to sit at my desk feeling like I stink. I then reach into my bag to get something and what do I see? My stupid face staring back at me from my photocard. It was in my bag all week, it must have just slipped out of my ticket wallet on Monday. So now I’m £120 out of pocket, I will probably start smelling soon and I’ve been late for no good reason all week. Go fuck yourself week beginning the 27th of June. What a cunt of a week.

EDIT: Oh for fuck's sake, I posted it in the wrong thread. This is supposed to be in the "Things Which Fuck You Off" thread.

I really thought the story was going to end up with you bumping into Melody and for her to rattle off all her achievements at you in the quiet coach of a train and then announce who won apprentice thereby ruining the series for you.

Thanks for the laughter though.

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I really like how Jim beat the show at its own game.

"Oi, you plebs, pretend to make a company and then pretend to make some biscuits, and then pretend to pitch your pretend biscuits at people from waitrose who will pretend to buy them".

I guess Jim thought fuck it, if it's a pretend company it might as well have a pretend multi-million pound marketing budget and a pretend Harry Potter co-marketing campaign.

Exactly. They're never told create it, pitch it, and you've only got £10.50 to market it. It's a bullshit task and - at last - some of them seem to realise it and are playing the game. It's exactly the same as Melody nabbing all the appointments for herself.

Next year they may make the tasks a little different and actually ask them to have a go to market plan. You know, something a little more relevant to business. It'll still be bullshit, because nobody ever a) creates and brands a product in 24 hours with 1 focus group for these types of markets and expects a sustainable business model or b) gets to pitch their brand new product at Asda and Waitrose.

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The tasks with pitches and so on are so subjective and can lead to weird results. The only tasks that are totally fair are the ones where you have to sell a product with no pre-arranged appointments with major retailers/distributors, and the team which earns the most profit wins.

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I quite liked Melody when Zoe tried pulling that same BS she did to Susan on the beauty product task. Halfway through Zoe will gather everyone around her and then start blaming the failure of the whole task on one of them. Whilst Susan started pouting and whining "this is so unfair". Melody told Zoe this is completely unprofessional and what the hell did she think she was doing.

You would hate to work with her but she is fun to watch. She has to make the interview stage.

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The tasks with pitches and so on are so subjective and can lead to weird results. The only tasks that are totally fair are the ones where you have to sell a product with no pre-arranged appointments with major retailers/distributors, and the team which earns the most profit wins.

Exactly, and with some tasks where the 'orders' are just 'what we might do if this was a real situation' then the end result is completely random sometimes. Like with the magazine task where one firm decided to purchase every single page of the magazine for adverts. You sit there thinking that if they actually had to hand over £60,000 in cold hard cash they might be slightly more restrained when it comes to purchasing every single page. Someone should mock up the exact same boys lifestyle magazine and then see if the firm is keen to buy all the adverts of the first issue.

It's not so bad when they are either selling products to the company or selling other peoples products becuase you assume that those sales are legitimate. When it comes to pitching make believe products to shops which then place make believe orders then it all becomes a bit of a nonsense. What is to stop the Jim's of this world going into Waitrose and promising and multimillion doller marketing campaign and a personal blow job for every customer who buys a pack.

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Not being funny but I assumed that these were actual real pitches for real goods? I always thought that once the Apprentice people have done their bit, off-camera it's all handed over to Alan Sugar's employees. Is there any proof or source that these are fake pitches? :unsure:

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Not being funny but I assumed that these were actual real pitches for real goods? I always thought that once the Apprentice people have done their bit, off-camera it's all handed over to Alan Sugar's employees. Is there any proof or source that these are fake pitches? :unsure:

I guess we go into Asda and look for Star...biscuit things with Jim's rapey face on the packet.

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:lol: yeah but assuming that these products that are pitched in these tasks did actually go to market, it won't have the same packaging and might not even have the exact same goods as designed by the Apprentice teams, would it? I mean for example the iPhone/iPod Touch apps were actually done. Honestly, it's a genuine question, as I haven't seen anything from anyone that has said that these are complete made up pitches (and I'm not sure that big retailers would be sending representatives to listen to fake pitches, surely?).
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:lol: yeah but assuming that these products that are pitched in these tasks did actually go to market, it won't have the same packaging and might not even have the exact same goods as designed by the Apprentice teams, would it? I mean for example the iPhone/iPod Touch apps were actually done. Honestly, it's a genuine question, as I haven't seen anything from anyone that has said that these are complete made up pitches (and I'm not sure that big retailers would be sending representatives to listen to fake pitches, surely?).

Well have you seen a Lads Mag as designed by the Apprentice team on the market? It's particularly dubious as all they did was mock up a magazine and didn't even produce any content for it.

Same with the biscuits? They were never going to become a real product sold on real shop shelves. Who will manufacture the product? Where do the profits go? Who are going to make sure the Food Standards legislation is complied with? Are they going to pay a firm to calculate the suger, fat, calorie content of the biscuits? Who gets sued if someone has an allergic reaction? Last time I checked Lord Sugar wasn't a big player in the confectionery business and if the big players want to create a biscuit with a chocolate star on it then they are quite capable of doing so themselves. And ultimately someone would have noticed if the biscuits had ever ended up on a shop floor for sale (probably bloody difficult not to notice as they would have 'as seen on the Apprentice' plastered all over them. In fairness, the BBC don't really pretend otherwise. I think Karen made the point on Your Fired this week that given that the teams only have two days to create an imaginary product, packaging and marketing campaign that you can hardly expect it to really compete with businesses that throw millions of pounds at creating new products and marketing campaigns.

It's not so much that the pitches are faked. The producers just go to the Supermarket's buying teams and ask them to treat it like a real pitch and let them know how many they would order if this was a real company pitching this as a real product that was going to be mass produced. I 99% guarantee you that no money exchanged hands between the Supermarket buying teams (or the ad agencies) and either Lord Sugar or the BBC. It is still a genuine reflection of how the buying teams felt about the product but when you get one ad agency offering to buy the entire magazine then you have to wander if they would have been so blase about it if they had had to actually offer real money for the ads.

It would probably be preferably if instead of offering to buy x amount of the product the buyers just gave the teams a mark out of 10 for their efforts and creativity.

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Not being funny but I assumed that these were actual real pitches for real goods? I always thought that once the Apprentice people have done their bit, off-camera it's all handed over to Alan Sugar's employees. Is there any proof or source that these are fake pitches? :unsure:

I believe you're thinking of Reggae Reggae Sauce.

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I liked the way Asda just had the pitch in a bit of one of their shops, thereby forcing the BBC to show the massive Asda logo on the front of it and show the contestants traipsing through it to get there. I bet they sprung that shit on the production team at the very last minute.

Still, I suppose it says everything about Asda that they were willing to buy 800,000 of those awful biscuits.

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Fake pitches would explain the huge orders from vertbaudet for that awful child car seat come rucksack. I know baby brain kicks in for women and to a certain extent men when it comes to needless purchases for your first child but that really is the most pointless invention in the world unless you want to punish your child...maybe the dopey one had a point when she asked if teh french love their children?

Cant believe they hadnt heard of vertbaudet though, my mrs has been buying stuff off them for years.

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Fake pitches would explain the huge orders from vertbaudet for that awful child car seat come rucksack. I know baby brain kicks in for women and to a certain extent men when it comes to needless purchases for your first child but that really is the most pointless invention in the world unless you want to punish your child...maybe the dopey one had a point when she asked if teh french love their children?

Cant believe they hadnt heard of vertbaudet though, my mrs has been buying stuff off them for years.

That pitch would have been real. It's only when they pitch their own invented stuff that it's fake.

Last series there was some outfit for a baby that changed colour if the baby was ill, or something. I can't remember exactly, but it was something like that. They pitched it to Kiddicare who made an order, and it went into their store and onto their website.

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I do wonder what the point of these make a product from scratch within a day or two and sell to big companies tasks are for. There will always going to be flaws with the product that is designed and made so quickly with a tiny 10 focus group. Plus as mentioned the imaginary buying by the big companies just seems a bit off.

I much prefer the tasks where they actually sell things to the public like in the first episode or when they went to Paris to (presumably) actually sell the items that they chose.

Even the tasks in previous series where they have had to effectively hold a party and sell tickets for it are better than these imaginary product ones.

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Just caught up with this and re: Jim's pitch, he never actually said at any point that it did have an tie-in with Harry Potter, only that they could try and get it endorsed.

As for the actual task, I thought both were decent concepts. People talking about the Special Stars being unhealthy are missing the whole point of it being a treat (i.e. you get 1 for being good, not 10). And the 'snap and share' angle would work to market primarily at women and the packaging looked quite swish.

Zoe had to go really for not being strong enough to stick to her decision to go to the factory and monitor the product - there has been a history of people focussing too much on the branding (usually when it comes to advertising on telly) and getting fired, so there is some consistency there. I guess you could argue that the whole 'Catsize' won due to the branding, but that's an exception (and, being cat food, there wasn't much else to go on).

As for who is left:

Melody is getting really annoying again - she went through a little patch of toning it down but her inner-bitch has come back out in the last couple of episodes.

Tom just seems to miss fundamental things too often. Not knowing that £1.99 at least puts a biscuit above Rich Tea or Ginger Nuts is just poor. He may be a great guy and fabulous inventor but I wouldn't trust him to run a business.

Natasha is just awful. Seriously awful. She's one of the worst contestants I think I've seen due to her aggressive manner, lack of any real skills, terrible lack of understanding of social conventions and because she has to finish any question or statement with "Yeah".

Jim After the episode where he performed his magic trick in the boardroom I said I couldn't see him getting to the final (nor the interviews I think). I still maintain he won't win because he's a bit too arrogant without having the substance behind it. Also, I think he displays some quite misogynistic tendancies (referring to his "who wouldn't like a passive woman" comment amongst some other bits).

Susan was quieter in this task but did make some reasonable comments. Agrees to quickly with people though when her own ideas are shot-down and it's almost like she was retreating into the background after finding some common-ground with Zoe (i.e. not liking Melody). Can't see her winning it.

And so that just leaves Helen. She should win by default of the failings of those above, but I'm not actually sure she will. Yes, she's been on the winning team, but I don't really know what she's contributed in a number of the tasks (other than winning the massive order from La Redoute). As I've said before, she's much like Stella from last series.

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