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Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon: July 1st 2011


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God I HATED this...

Why I even put myself through it after the shitefest that was Revenge of the Fallen I don't know, but I had a free movie rental and a few hours to kill over the weekend... Not sure if I've blanked out much of the horror of the last one - but this one by turns annoyed and bored me far more..

Astonishingly, they managed to make Shia even more of an asshole and the story make even less sense..

You're really going with 'They've been playing the long game all along..' when they were trying to blow up the sun in the last film?? Fuck you!

I don't know why Megan Fox 2.0 got all the criticism - yeah sure she's not a great actress by any means.. but in the scheme of this movies problems she was SO far down the list as to not even register..

At least her character behaved like a (relatively) normal person and not a ridiculous caricature like most of the humans in the film were/have become.

Seriously.. most of the human cast are playing their roles ~completely~ deranged. They act like cretinous, hyperactive simpletons - is it supposed to be funny? Cos it really isn't...

Other than that, it was in turn boring because not much happens and then boring because you're beaten non-stop with the action stick for what feels like three hours..

How long does it take people to fall out of a collapsing building FFS..? The FX may be bleeding edge, but it just felt unending - especially as it boiled down to "Go here, shoot this"..

All those soldiers lost and effort expended to get into the city and then near the end there's a bunch of army guys who seemed to have just paddled up the river and got there unscathed.. :lol:

And then there's the Transformers themselves... I still hate the overengineered look and the 'expressive' faces - hideous designs without exception..

Shockwave you barely see, Megatron does next to nothing (except get conned by MF 2.0) I couldn't name any of the new Decepticons - even though there were loads of them hiding on the moon (for no good reason whatsoever - especially given the events of the previous films..)

Leonard Nimoy having his famous Spock line hijacked for this rubbish was just embarrassing..

Worst of all was Optimus - in turn a sulky little bitch at the start, then a hopeless incompetent (unable to free himself from some cables for what seemed like half an hour) and lastly a complete psychopath, slicing through legions of enemies and killing them gleefully in various horrible ways. Plus he's seemingly fine having the Autobots helping out killing some humans - so long as they're Americas enemies..

Absolute wank!

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 5 months later...

Had the misfortune to watch this over the weekend on Sky... What a pile of complete and utter dog turd.

Massive inconsistencies and plot holes. Check

Terrible pouty main female character who makes Megan Fox look like a great actress. Check

Stuff happening that makes no sense at all. Random Chinese guy in the bogs? John Malkovitch for no reason? His parents in a motorhome but never mentioned again? Check.

Annoying little robot Scrappy Doo type characters. Check

Too many "comedy moments" that aren't funny at all. Check

Possibly the worst film I've ever seen, and I've seen that Steven Seagal one where he plays a pilot sent to get a plane back from the Middle East where all the shots of aircraft flying are stock clips.

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Bang on Cubik. When I saw this on release at the cinema I was pretty bored and the love interest was just so bloody wooden. The biggest thing that fucked me off was that whole shit with the building falling apart, leaning over etc etc. Just added nothing to the ending and christ it went on for so fucking long.

Like a dick I tried to watch it a few weeks ago and I gave up after half an hour. It's pure painting by numbers generic fly the flag gash.

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It's easily the worst movie I paid to see at a cinema since MI:2, surpassing the crud that was its predecessor .

With some shit movies you do see people enjoying them, but I cannot fathom how anyone could enjoy any part of this travesty as it has zero redeeming features. A few friends of mine not only enjoyed it somehow, but loved it, and can't wait until the next Michael Bay blockbuster!!!! Things like that, coupled with the box office takings for crap like this has me questioning my own sanity/taste/will to live.

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So, almost a year now, does anyone know what was going on?

I think I've figured it out.

Giant robots with the power to become items as diggers, cranes etc instead want to use weedy little humans as slaves to rebuild their planet, which is going to be next to or possibly occupying the same space as earth. At the same time Shibby Lebosh's girlfriend spends the film either getting changed or looking pouty and confused at the camera in slow motion, as if she is working out a really hard sum.

Quite why Earth is so useful to them I have no idea, as I wouldn't have thought that trees, plants, water, animals were much use to robots. Maybe an oil or iron based planet would be more suitable.

Possibly it's our abundance of Kwik Fits and other franchise motor stores that is of interest for cheap tyre changes and exhausts.

Nobody answered the really big question though. What happened to Witwiggidywack's Chihuahua and why wasn't it mentioned? We need to know.

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So which film makes less sense/is more stupid: this or Prometheus? :P

This is certainly absolute trash of the highest order. Looks nice on Blu-ray, as you would expect, but by god it's a bad film. The girl is not only more wooden than Sherwood Forest, she's not even nice to look at. And now you have a Prime who is a complete dick with a blood-lust, a Megatron who stops like a little girl until he gets called a bitch and a ridiculous plan about using humans to rebuild Cybertron? And what is it with thinking putting "hair" on a robot makes any sense whatsoever?

Still, at least we got to see the US military fighting the good fight. Hurrah!

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