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Star Spotting


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I was walking down carnaby street one summer (can't remember if it was last year or the year before) and saw this woman in a flowery summer dress with these huge pair of wobbly tits nearly falling out her top top walking towards me. They didn't look nearly as good as that sentence sounds (all veiney and a little bit "fat tits") and thought "blimey love you could do with keeping those a little more under control", looked up and it was none other than Kelly Brook.

True fax

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Small nob/ colossal prick. Funny old world, isn't it?

you're a colossal prick! Tim Westwood is a British institution like Stephen Fry, but less annoying on Twitter. he has a genuine, unapologetic passion for hip hop and has worked with pretty much every rapper worth mentioning for decades.

look at the joy on his face. i love him.

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Westwood did a massive amount for hip hop in this country in the 80s and beyond, giving exposure, air time and stage time to acts who never would have been seen over here otherwise. His radio show used to be pretty amazing too, full of exclusive stuff months in advance of release and so on.

(he's still a prick though and the last time I listened to his radio show it was beyond terrible)

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I saw Jeremy Beadle on a train on the way to Edinburgh once. I was walking one way down the carriage to find my seat, and he the other, and we we both got stuck waiting for an obese family (the Go-Lightlys?) to sort out their luggage as the train was pulling away. They were really faffing and I could see old Beadle was getting the hump, so for reasons I still fail to understand I thought it a good idea to say loudly 'well this is a right game for a laugh'. Cue a couple of very mild sniggers from other passengers and a look that just said 'you sad, predictable cunt' from Jezza himself.

I also met Ian Rush and John Barnes at a charity football event. They both took penalties against me, Ian Rush was a true gent the whole day (and slotted his pen), John Barnes missed his and then ran 30yards to retrieve the ball to take another one as his ego clearly wouldn't allow him to miss against a nobody. All in all he was an arrogant arse.

Other spots were Zoe Ball (being as loud and obnoxious as possible in a snowboard shop), Jarvis Cocker (bloody tall), Pink, Henry Kelly(I shouted excitedly 'There's Henry Kelly!' In a restaurant as my girlfriend was having a serious heart to heart with me, went down well) and, oddly, pretty much everyone who's ever been a panelist on QI.

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I used to get taken to a celebrity pro-am golf tournament (the Bob Hope Classic at Moor Park) many years ago and so got lots of autographs - though I was too young to really appreciate seeing big stars, which is a real shame because I used to have Sean Connery's autograph somewhere. Most notably, I remember running onto the green when Kevin Keegan was waiting to putt and he patted me on the head. I went to school with some guys who became professional footballers (one was at Charlton, the other hovered around the lower leagues).

I was on Hollywood Boulevard when Adam Sandler was being inducted, and on the same trip saw Simon Cowell being rushed through security at LAX and was at the Rockerfeller Center when Britney Spears was turning on the lights. Also saw Ed Bagley Junior at Disney in Orlando.

Oh, and I sat opposite the guy who played Kurt in 'Teachers' on the tube one day, looked like he was reading a script. I gave him a subtle nod to show I recognised him and he acknowledged it and went back to his reading.

My dad has many more claims to fame than I though; he had a little interview with the Beatles once (I think it was for some local radio or newspaper or something) and got an album autographed. He also used to do VIP insurance and regularly spoke to Patrick Stewart; was at Pinewood a fair bit (including having lunch during filming of A View To A Kill, where he met the cast - he said Tanya Roberts was lovely) and Brian Brown (of Cocktail and FX: Murder By Illusion fame) invited him out to Australia once. He also used to speak to the Cubby Broccoli (again, as part of the insurance stuff).

And Bruce Forsyth swore at him once (apparently he was a really miserable bloke.)

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I used to love a series of books on UFOs written by a guy called Timothy Good. When I moved south I lived in Bromley and one day at the station I found myself looking at this chap who I was sure I recognised, he looked really anxious and when I saw the camera he had was convinced (there was a picture of him on the inside of the book and I have a good memory so I'm not completely mental). Always was my fave spot as according to his books he is convinced the government is after him so I like to think I was in his head at least an evil agent for a little while.

Another time I saw a guy from the Bill while very drunk told him I loved the show and he looked delighted and tried to start a conversation, horror dawned on me he probably had been in some theatre production that night and I didn't want to disappoint him, had an awful time trying to avoid him for the rest of the journey

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Another one for Scots of a certain age, I had a part time job in an hotel and Sunday lunch one time Rikki Fulton arrived with his wife, it was a carvery and without making a big deal of anything just said he wasn't very hungry and would have a little of this and that, except he was still there five minutes later and left with a massive plateful, there was nothing in anything he said that was trying to be funny but he was watching me intently all the time and I just got more and more of the giggles, just a lovely guy

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My best star spot has definitely been when walking through Primrose Hill with 3 colleagues, in two groups of two. My pair were caught up by the other two, and my pair were like DID YOU SEE THAT DOG HE WAS AWESOME and they were like, DID YOU SEE SAM TAYLOR-WOOD AND AARON JOHNSON? and we didn't because we were distracted by their dog.

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Amazing dog. (Not my picture, obviously).

I'm also in a routine with Andy Hamilton - Hat Trick Productions are across the road and he seems to be always on my train and go for lunch at the same time as him. I got into this situation with James May a while ago as well.

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  • 2 months later...

My brother used to work in HMV on Oxford Street and claimed that Richard Wilson once bought softcore gay pornography at his counter.

I saw Chris Eubank a few months ago walking down Baker Street looking all dapper, Katie Price driving around in some horrific bubblegum pink humvee too.

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I met and chatted with Ewan McGregor on the set of Phantom Menace (my mate works FX) and drove R2-D2 round the Naboo Palace courtyard. Super chap. Ewan, not R2. He was as rude as he is in the films, the little bastard.

Kenny Baker, same day. Perving the actresses as he was at arse height.

Chatted with Brann Dailor out of Mastodon after the band signed a picture my at the time 7-year old daughter drew of them at the gig in Brixton last year.

Drank whisky with Burton C Bell out of Fear Factory.

Cheggars in a bar in Woodstock (yep, I did do the 'Cheggars can't be boozers' joke to the people I was with)

John Hannah in a bar in Richmond - we did the "I know who you are but I'm not going to bother you" nod and smile.

I got my mini-bronze skiing award off Newsround's Paul McDowell. Thread killer, right there.

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Are you questioning the authenticity of my brother's story?

I don't think he can bel-

Yeah, no, I'm not going to be that guy either.

I once gave Bradley Walsh directions to Leicester Square.

I also saw Steve Coogan walking down Oxford St. I was going to say hello when I saw he was on the phone so I just sort of made a "aaannggghhhh" noise in his face because I'd already stated talking.

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I'm convinced I saw Paul Chuckle of the Chuckle Brothers in the square while we were sat in a bar in Elounda, Crete a couple of years ago. I was so inspired, I later proposed on the beach (to my wife-to-be, not Paul Chuckle).

My wife doesn't think it was him.

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I'm convinced I saw Paul Chuckle of the Chuckle Brothers in the square while we were sat in a bar in Elounda, Crete a couple of years ago. I was so inspired, I later proposed on the beach (to my wife-to-be, not Paul Chuckle).

My wife doesn't think it was him.

I'm pretty sure it might have been him, wasn't there a news story about him falling off a scooter in crete?

22

Chuckle Brothers star Paul Elliott doesn’t have much to laugh about after a motorbike smash.

The children’s TV favourite was injured when he fell off his bike during a family holiday on the Greek island of Kefalonia yesterday.

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