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Marvel's Eternals


JohnC
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Fucking hell, that's 3 hours of my fucking life I'll never get back. It's just incredibly boring and empty. It astounds me that Eternals Defenders on social are recommending watching it two or three times "to understand it". Homie, the story is simplistic as shit. There's more depth in an average episode of Teletubbies than in the Eternals. Everyone understands the story - but the story is too shallow to fill three hours. If they'd cut the runtime in half, it would have at least improved the pacing because so many scenes are utterly useless and add nothing. 

 

The characters are the biggest problem. They're not even two-dimensional, there's literally nothing to them. One-dimensional is pushing it. They might as well be random Skyrim NPC 435, "a deviant bit me in the knee". They're there only for two functions in the entire movie: to spout exposition or to stand there and smell the deviant farts while the camera spins around them to show the - admittedly pretty - surroundings. I can't blame the actors because the script gave them absolutely nothing. Nothing. 

 

It's not even a flawed movie where you can see what they tried but alas they failed. There's no substance whatsoever in the script. Cardboard cutout characters standing there smelling farts until the basic plot turns up in the last quarter when the majority of the audience is fast asleep. Maybe that's why they're worried people didn't catch the story - it's a tad harder to see the painfully obvious twist coming with your eyes closed. But not impossible, it must be noted.

 

The worst MCU movie by far. 

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Ill jump on the "God this was terrible" bandwagon. Took me three sittings to get through it. I'm not really sure why i kept putting it back on, although i will say i enjoyed the final bit of fighting more than the rest of the film.   I was a bit dissapointed that the 

 

Spoiler

Deviant at the end just got suddenly diced up I was hoping for more from that.

 

I don't think any of it really made sense. I felt annoyed with the arbitary power differencials between them, in fact why do they have different powers at all ? 

 

Spoiler

As they are just constructs why not make them all the same, and why let them disobey their programming ?  

And why are they culturally diverse ?   Or deaf ?  Why can only one of them fly ? 

I'm not against cultural diversity etc obviously, it just seems a pretty trivial concern for a Celestial.

 

 

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18 minutes ago, Padaxes said:

I don't think any of it really made sense. I felt annoyed with the arbitary power differencials between them, in fact why do they have different powers at all ? 
 

 

Or different accents. Why was there a Scotsman and an Irishman wandering around Ancient Babylon?

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The Celestials are worse at running the universe than the Tories are at running this country. So they need to get rid of species that might eat intelligent life and their idea is to introduce super-predators trained to eat them. Said super-predators go rogue and start eating intelligent beings. They then decide to make replicants to go and destroy the super-predators like some kind of intergalactic version of Rentakill. Okay after the first few batches of super-predators went wrong, why didn't they just send down the replicants to kill the local dinosaurs and whatnot in the first place, instead of this ludicrously shaky convoluted operation they have going on. The whole plan is basically this:

 

 

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I watched it this evening, it’s 2AM so no mental capacity for talking about it, I just wanted to know:

 

Did anybody pick up on the fact the music for the climactic moments of the movie was 100% the Memoro de la Stono theme from FFXI? Fucking blatant!

 

Somebody hire a lawyer for Uematsu (then again, maybe it’s payback for him borrowing from the Running Man)

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Awful film, but there is something good in there somewhere. It needs completely re-editing. Thoughts from elsewhere:

 

The main reason I thought it was rubbish was because from a structure perspective, it was backwards. There was barely an emotional beat in there that was actually earned before/when it happened - most of the time the setup seemed to come after the event. It needs a complete re-edit, and whoever chopped this together needs kicking into the sea.

 

For example:

Spoiler

The evolved Deviants. When they attack in the forest, one of them FLIES! One of them has a STABBY TAIL! One of them has webbed feet and is ANGRY!

 

Except - before we saw these guys, we've seen a handful of deviants in passing. The opening attack at sea, the rushed battle outside Babylon and the evolved one in London.I just thought they were deviants, beyond Cersei saying "They've evolved" a couple of times. Just....so what?

 

A while later, the film shows the lead deviant injecting these new deviants with COSMIC NRG, and then evolving these new skills.

 

The whole threat escalation piece is backwards. The scene order is Eternals kick Deviants arses in past > Eternals struggle to kill Deviants in forest (but still do) > Deviants develop new capabilities.

 

A more simple example: 

 

Spoiler

we see the Eternals in the past in the opening montage.

 

Then we switch to London, and Cersei is there with Sprite.

 

They get attacked. Ikarus rocks up, and comes out of the shop in a dramatic reveal.....But, other than a throwaway line - "We split up a hundred years ago" - there's literally no weight to that occuring. They've spent less than 10 minutes screen time apart.

 

And don't get me started on the fucking

 

Spoiler

Celestial plot drop half way through, it was more painful than the big Ego reveal in GotG2, mainly because it didn't have particularly good powerpoint animations about giant blobs consuming all

 

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I still can't quite get over that they thought Kit Harrington gurning at a sword after the credits would be big hype moment.

 

I'm pretty damn nerdy and I had to go and look up on Wikipedia what it signified (and what I found was pretty meh).

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I thought Rob Stark and John Snow were the same person, as in the same actor and the same person, but one just playing a look a like with a beard. I realised at the end my mistake though so that was good. Nothing else was good.

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Just on the point about the first credits scene with you-know-who showing up:

 

I also laughed when I first saw him, but I actually thought in that 30 seconds he showed more charisma than the rest of the cast put together. Which is pretty damning. Or is that just me?

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21 hours ago, Ste_S said:

Marvel is normally pretty spot with casting, but fuck me, Gemma Chan and Richard Madden are appalling actors. 
 

Both my wife and I thought this was terrible, and I feared my wife was going to throw something at the TV when 

 

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Harry Styles and the shit CGI leprechaun troll appeared.

 


Absolutely. I thought her performance as an android in Humans was quite clever. Little did I know that’s the only way she can act and it’s fucking devoid of anything. 

 

The deviants looked like SHIT. One of those extravagant, gaudy, circle jerks of “look what we can do with CGI!” It would have worked a thousand times better if they had been plain, dark, brutal, primal looking beasts.
 

It reminds me why I breathe a sigh of relief when there’s a giant, rubber, animatronic blob of a hut in Boba Fett. Not some streamlined CGI interpretation. It loses all soul. Bring back more stop start plasticine bad guys ffs. Nothing will be scarier than those were. 

 

 

No one got enough screen time. Because there were eighty thousand Eternals.
Angelina Jolie got to act for about seven seconds, and the rest of her screen time was made up of the stereotypical, squirrel landing bone structure shots, designed to make us go “ooohhh, she’s so pretty/strong/brave”. Fuck off. She can act. Anyone who’s seen Changeling or Malevolent (and maybe I’m biased as a mother), knows she can bring the believable emotion. But she wasn’t allowed to.

 

 

I’m annoyed they dared deliver us this cos they know we’ll watch it anyone. The trailer was the best part. 

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3 hours ago, NexivRed said:

It reminds me why I breathe a sigh of relief when there’s a giant, rubber, animatronic blob of a hut in Boba Fett.

I’m pretty sure the Hutts are all CGI in Book of Boba.

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7 hours ago, hub2 said:

Just on the point about the first credits scene with you-know-who showing up:

 

I also laughed when I first saw him, but I actually thought in that 30 seconds he showed more charisma than the rest of the cast put together. Which is pretty damning. Or is that just me?

No, I thought the same.

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8 hours ago, jonamok said:

They definitely are. And they look it.

 

6 hours ago, Stigweard said:

Yeah the Hutts look terrible in BOBF.


I’m hoping she meant the Rancor, which looked infinitely better than anything else in the episode. 

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12 hours ago, NexivRed said:


Absolutely. I thought her performance as an android in Humans was quite clever. Little did I know that’s the only way she can act and it’s fucking devoid of anything. 

 

 

Maybe we're all misreading the actors' amazing, subtle performances and not giving them the credit they deserve?

 

I mean, Gemma Chan may have been going for

 

Spoiler

"artificial construct"

 

and therefore it's not her fault her performance has been widely interpreted as "wooden".

 

Richard Madden clearly was aiming for

 

Spoiler

"conflicted"

 

and is being harshly judged for instead coming across as "constipated".

 

..... naaah. They were shit.

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9 hours ago, JPL said:

I’m pretty sure the Hutts are all CGI in Book of Boba.

 

9 hours ago, jonamok said:

They definitely are. And they look it.

 

8 hours ago, Stigweard said:

Yeah the Hutts look terrible in BOBF.


 

You’re joking? But they speak just like the old puppets; barely constructing an expression. Rigid lips. They need to have rigid lips!!!

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Saw this the other day and can’t stop thinking about how the ending will lead to the end of all religions, no? I mean, if billions of people suddenly find out that their god is a lie things will kick off, I expect.

 

Then again, these are the same people who have accepted that half of all life can be extinguished in a click of a finger.

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6 minutes ago, ckny said:

Saw this the other day and can’t stop thinking about how the ending will lead to the end of all religions, no? I mean, if billions of people suddenly find out that their god is a lie things will kick off, I expect.

 

Then again, these are the same people who have accepted that half of all life can be extinguished in a click of a finger.

 

Yeah the general public in the MCU seem to just crack on with 3.5bn people popping back up 5 years later like they'd only been away a weekend.

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3 hours ago, Stigweard said:

 

Yeah the general public in the MCU seem to just crack on with 3.5bn people popping back up 5 years later like they'd only been away a weekend.

 

The toilet roll shortage would have been very difficult I imagine.

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