Jump to content

The stupidest review you can remember reading


Rex Grossman
 Share

Recommended Posts

For me it was in Amiga Computing, a magazine I only bought sometimes if I was desperate for more Amiga stuff.

Feel free to read the whole thing but the punchline is the score. Basically they had already given Xenon II a perfect 100% score (despite us all knowing it wasn't very good). Having painted themselves in a corner with that absurd score they had a problem when Battle Squadron(!) came along. A game that they said could match the graphics and performance of arcade shmups of the era. So what did they do. They gave it 109%.

 

http://amr.abime.net/review_24528

Link to comment
Share on other sites

41 minutes ago, Rex Grossman said:

For me it was in Amiga Computing, a magazine I only bought sometimes if I was desperate for more Amiga stuff.

Feel free to read the whole thing but the punchline is the score. Basically they had already given Xenon II a perfect 100% score (despite us all knowing it wasn't very good). Having painted themselves in a corner with that absurd score they had a problem when Battle Squadron(!) came along. A game that they said could match the graphics and performance of arcade shmups of the era. So what did they do. They gave it 109%.

 

http://amr.abime.net/review_24528

To be fair, that was often how games reviews were written in most Amiga magazines that weren't Amiga Power – "it makes the Amiga hardware look good, so here's a high review score". See also: Amiga Format's notorious review of Microcosm on the CD32.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The rather amazing Nemesis review in Sinclair User.

 

Which was a completely different game to the steaming pile of crap that I eagerly bought on release.

 

Before he went mad, Stu Campbell wrote a piece on it here

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Protocol Penguin said:

This doesn't count as stupid in terms of being misleading, but I want to nominate Jonathan Nash's bizarre review of Secret of Mana for Game Zone as one of the most incomprehensible reviews I've ever seen in print:

https://archive.org/details/nintendo-game-zone-16/page/n31/mode/2up

God, I have no memory of this and I must have read it at the time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Ah, the classic 'concept review'. Nash could go too far with those. (Also, the above is a cleverly disguised good review). In fairness to Nash, he wrote an amazing review of Alien Breed 3D2 in the final issue of Amiga Power where he eviscerated the game for four pages and then in the score box gave it 98% which actually fooled some idiot in Team 17 into believing the score because they didn't read the review.

 

 

017.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

55 minutes ago, SozzlyJoe said:

There's a few Edge classics too surely! DOOM's 'talking to the monsters' and Wii Sports Resort 'chilled to the bone' spring immediately to mind!

 

 

Always thought the original Halo review was a bit daft too. They seemed to ignore the boring opening. And didn't Skyward Sword get a ten, despite the review moaning bout the control, and it being quite empty?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Festoon said:

In fairness to Nash, he wrote an amazing review of Alien Breed 3D2 in the final issue of Amiga Power where he eviscerated the game for four pages and then in the score box gave it 98% which actually fooled some idiot in Team 17 into believing the score because they didn't read the review.

 

 

017.jpg

That was a great twist. And he actually described how the game ran and played on non-accelerated Amiga 1200s, which is the setup that 99.9% of   Their 1200-owning readers will have had. Unlike literally all the other Amiga magazines, who assumed everyone was using 68040 accelerator boards with stacks of extra RAM, and misleadingly used the highest possible resolution screenshots (and would’ve played and used screenshots of a PC version of AB3D2 had there been one).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Eurogamer review of Sensible Soccer 2006.

The game was a broken mess, yet the review didn't mention anything, so either they were paid for a positive review or they were told that bugs were going to be fixed and then that didn't happen.  The reviewer said he had been playing it for 3 months and had only experienced one bug.

 

An absolute travesty of a review. I seem to remember the comments section was hilarious

 

https://www.eurogamer.net/articles/r_sensisoccer_ps2x

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, ulala said:

Edge

 

Mario Kart Double Dash. 5/10

 

Apparently too much like previous Mario kart games.

 

 

I have to say, I thought Double Dash was hugely disappointing. Not very fun and not enough content. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah I personally agreed with Edge's meme-tastic 5/10 for Double Dash - though I'm one of those extremists who'd have given Super Mario Kart an easy 10/10 and finds the modern ones boring.

 

Their 6/10 for Gunstar Heroes was a shambles however you cut it though. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

50 minutes ago, JamesC said:

I have to say, I thought Double Dash was hugely disappointing. Not very fun and not enough content. 


true, I’m only playing it a few times a month, 18 years later. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

55 minutes ago, spanky debrest said:

Yeah I personally agreed with Edge's meme-tastic 5/10 for Double Dash - though I'm one of those extremists who'd have given Super Mario Kart an easy 10/10 and finds the modern ones boring.

 

Their 6/10 for Gunstar Heroes was a shambles however you cut it though. 

5/10 was generous...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, spanky debrest said:

Yeah I personally agreed with Edge's meme-tastic 5/10 for Double Dash - though I'm one of those extremists who'd have given Super Mario Kart an easy 10/10 and finds the modern ones boring.

 

Their 6/10 for Gunstar Heroes was a shambles however you cut it though. 


Agree, Mario Kart has been one of those stale Nintendo series which they keep whacking out every gen with little or no improvement. Advance was the last one I rated until Mario Kart 8 which has been the first I’ve really enjoyed as an adult. It’s just a game that really doesn’t need an update every gen, having only one version over the WiiU/Switch lifespans has worked IMO. 
 

Anyway, despite the nice graphics and the attempt to do something different with the series Double Dash was a stinker. The GameCube was a weird era for Nintendo with some massive gems and some huge disappointments coming from their studios. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remember picking up a relatively new Super Nintendo magazine that maybe lasted 10 or so issues. I think it might have been called N-force? Anyway, whatever it was, this issue had a suspiciously early review of Super Mario Kart. As in they had the Japanese version reviewed a month before any of their competitors. And the review was 90% poorly scanned screenshots. And the review was basically yeah this is alright but nothing special. I think they gave it 80%. To be fair to them, Mario Kart did take a while to show its epic depths. And it certainly didn't wow anyone with its graphics. No one was really expecting that much from it. But then again, these were full time game journalists being paid to review games. And they did the equivalent of finding the tomb of Tutankhamun, taking a few shit photos, and then going 'this is nice, but all a bit dusty'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't understand how anyone could have played Gunstar Heroes in 1993 and not find it mind boggling. I've just re read the Edge review and they describe how hectic and full on the action is but lament how short the game is. What game wasn't in 1993? I don't know the average length of development for games then but 9 months to develop it as a first release of a new game company always seems insane to me. It's took me 9 months to find some private dentists to book myself in for an appointment. And actually i've still not done it.

 

With it being the first issue of Edge and them looking to the future of videogames, Gunstar was released awkwardly for them to fully appreciate it. A lot of reviews i read of now considered classic games from the 90s it's so surprising how matter of fact they are in how they break the game down into what it offers. I read a review of Sonic 2 and they also complained it was a bit short and again...weren't most games. Every one of these games had more in them, more levels and ideas but not in the time the developers had, and not squeezing them on to the carts they had to.

 

I enjoy much more going over the top about these games now because there was nothing like them at the time and then nothing since. At the time i wasn't able to make sense of the difference. Gunstar Heroes had numerous things i'd never seen in a game before.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, barkbat said:

I remember picking up a relatively new Super Nintendo magazine that maybe lasted 10 or so issues. I think it might have been called N-force? Anyway, whatever it was, this issue had a suspiciously early review of Super Mario Kart. As in they had the Japanese version reviewed a month before any of their competitors. And the review was 90% poorly scanned screenshots. And the review was basically yeah this is alright but nothing special. I think they gave it 80%. To be fair to them, Mario Kart did take a while to show its epic depths. And it certainly didn't wow anyone with its graphics. No one was really expecting that much from it. But then again, these were full time game journalists being paid to review games. And they did the equivalent of finding the tomb of Tutankhamun, taking a few shit photos, and then going 'this is nice, but all a bit dusty'.


I also remember this. What was weird was I didn’t even know Mario Kart was coming out and then there it was in this 3rd rate magazine. I remember taking it to school to see if my friends knew anything about the game.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Famously Amiga Power declared 73% the mark you gave a game you hadn't played or didn't want to say anything about for fear of pissing off the publisher, so I did an entire video series putting 73% reviews on trial, if you care to watch, check my sig.

 

But the best one is Sega Power's review of Guardian Heroes, famous Edge 6/10 game as @spanky debrest points out.  But while Edge's score was dumb, Power's 73% review was dumber.

 

It said Gunstar was a pointless release because the Mega Drive already had enough platform games (what?) and it was a pointless purchased if you already owned either of Cool Spot or Global Gladiators.

 

I was not kind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The 6/10 for GTA3 was definitely an error. There's no way they actually gave it 6/10 and then backtracked - it was twenty years ago, and shedloads of people have left the mag since then, some with very little to lose, so if it was true it would have come out by now. Rich Stanton, who worked on the mag then, had some kind of drunken breakdown on Twitter about ten years ago and started dishing all kinds of dirt - mostly about about Future mags in general rather than Edge but he even said that the GTA3 thing was definitely a fuckup rather than a coverup because the default score on Edge's review template back then was 6/10. Stanton was extremely embittered by Future at this point, so if he had some dirt on them, he would have dished it like Arecibo, rather than begrudgingly myth-bust like he did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Edge’s review or Super Metroid was a minor example. This is going from memory, but they complained about it being merely another 2D platform game, a relic of the fading 16-bit era, and bunged 8/10 on at the end of an unenthusiastic review text. Made it sound much less exciting than whatever 3DO games they reviewed that month. About one of the most influential games since in terms of 2D and 3D games design going forward. The Edge of a few years later would’ve give it a 9 or 10.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. Use of this website is subject to our Privacy Policy, Terms of Use, and Guidelines.