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Van Helsing


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Hey there.

"So is it anything like either of The Mummy films? I liked those"

Well kind of... It doesn't have the humor and playfulness of the Mummy movie.

But over the top action wise yeah. It's similar.

Despin out.

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I liked the trailers that were on before the film

Troy - will now defo be seeing this

Potter 3 - This looks superb, way darker, guess the new director paid off(now to go find the book to refresh my memory

The day after tommorow - I love seeing disater movies were america gets trashed

Oh, i thought the film was alrite aswell

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Thought it was total bollocks to be honest. God awful script, to me it seemed like Sommers had all these action sequences figured out, and then really struggled to find a way to hang them all together.

Examples(and posible spoilers, although arguably, I'll be doing you a favour)

Going to Rome for no real reason, except, of course, to stick in a chase scene. And don't give me some twaddle about they need to get Frankensteins Monster there - they don't and they didn't and just what on earth was he planning to do once he had rowed himself out to sea?

Another thing that wound me up a bit was that bit in Budapest with the hundreds of vampires. I thought that they didn't want to kill a vampire as they only killed one or two people a month. What were these fellas doing then? But of course, this doesn't matter either, because you can just wipe them all out with one handy explosion that you saw coming from a metric fuckmile away.

And one more thing. The friar claims at the start that he never leaves the Vatican Secret Society HQ. Van Helsing tell him he's coming, he replies why. Isn't it obvious sonny? This particular adventure is going to need some light comedic relief, you know, a funny sidekick. This ones a film mate. Do pay attention.

Now, I could pick plot holes and minor grievences in this until the cows come home, go back out again, and then stagger back in after a night on the piss, but thats not the worse thing about this film. The worse thing, is that it doesn't even do the things its suppose to do right. The effects for example. Excellent in places, but then awful in others. I picture a meeting at Industrial Magic and whatever with some big cheese sitting about and saying "look, we need a job for Shitty Bob, he's doing nothing and he's sommers cousin so he needs to look busy, what can we do?", "I know, give him the little vampires, no one will notice, they'll be too busy umming and ahhing over the werewolf transformation!" Well I'm sorry Mr Big Cheese, I did notice. $150 million you say? Looks to me that $125 million of that was on 15 minutes of the film and the rest was on the other 43 hours (well, it seemed that long anyway).

I expected it to be silly. I didn't expect it to be this silly.

And what the fuck was with the crazy industrial ewoks? Get the fuck out of my face.

Shelly, Stoker and the other chaps must be vomiting in their graves.

Must try harder. Much fucking harder.

2/10 and my worst film of the year thus far.

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Another thing that wound me up a bit was that bit in Budapest with the hundreds of vampires. I thought that they didn't want to kill a vampire as they only killed one or two people a month. What were these fellas doing then? But of course, this doesn't matter either, because you can just wipe them all out with one handy explosion that you saw coming from a metric fuckmile away.

The Budapest vampires probably don't bother going all the way to a small mountain village in Transylvania everytime they feel a bit peckish, so aren't much of a threat to the locals there.

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I can't remember a time when a film has gone from must-see to god-that-was-shit in such a short period of time.

I read about this years ( and I do mean years ) ago in SFX and it sounded ace. Then I got a bit worried when I saw the trailer. But, I thought it would probably still be very good.

A few people I have know have now seen it. Their comments have ranged from "Worst film of the decade" to "Its not too bad"

Word of mouth will kill this film off very quickly indeed.

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If it's as bad as you all say but you were nevertheless intrigued by the concept, check out the infinitely superior Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, the film VH appears to draw quite heavily from.

Seriously, D and VH: spot the difference.


Van Helsing


Vampire Hunter D

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Battle Angle Alita, isn't it? Moriarty had something to say about it:

"Cameron used the evening to speak a bit about his next film, assuring the audience that it will be a mega-budget SF film, also talking about how it’s going to be shot in 3D, using the same process he’s been testing the last few years on projects like GHOSTS OF THE ABYSS.

And, yeah, I blew it. I should have asked him to comment on the many reports I’ve had that his new film will be based on the popular manga series BATTLE ANGEL ALITA, but I didn’t. Like I said, I basically swallowed my tongue when he was standing there, and he walked away before I recovered my composure. Instead, I asked another attendee at the awards about it, since they were in a good position to know what’s up, and they agreed to speak to me as long as I didn’t identify them. “It’s definitely ALITA,” they said, “and he’s already deep into pre-production on it. The tech tests so far are amazing, and you would not believe the scale of his art department. They’ve been working for almost six months at this point, and their work is just beautiful. As far as Alita’s concerned, she’s going to be the culmination of all of Cameron’s ambitions on projects like AVATAR. Trust me... if Gollum pushed the envelope, Alita is going to shred it.” Hyperbole aside, I’m dying for Cameron to make his official announcement, and 2006 (his proposed release date) can’t get here fast enough."

Whatvere happens, I have way more trust in Cameron than I have in Sommers.

I just can't see Alita working as a live-action thing. Still, I love anything BAA, so I can't waittttttttttttt. 300 million, you say? Hmm...

Back on topic, I thought Van Helsing was painfully bad. Beckinsale looked fit, though.

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What a pile of shite this film is.

And Beckinsale was the WORST thing about it. She's fucking shite in everything she's been in, and her tits are fake as all fuck.

Having said that, there was some QUALITY swinging from ropes in this fucker.

I mean....did anyone NOT swing from a rope?


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I was contemplating shoving popcorn into my eyeball sockets to stop the pain. There were so many stupid bits throughout this movie, and only Kate Beckinsale in boots made up for it. Terrible "comedy" Friar Tuck as well. Totally unfunny. Lots of implausible bits like Kate Beckinsale swinging on wires, shouting at the unfunny Friar to throw up the vial and she CATCHES IT. Fuck off.

2 and a half hours of my life gone. Never to come back. At least the werewolf transformation effect made up for it though.

A bit.

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Went and saw it and was really pleased. It's firmly tongue in cheek: it knows what it's doing and you know exactly what's going to happen at every turn. You just put your mind into "gormless" mode and enjoy the movie, which is what it was made for. I think it's a load of fun, and that's it.

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Van Helsing does exactly what it sets out to do and it does it very well indeed. It's MEANT to be daft; criticisms of impossible stuff happening are simply redundant.

Just got back - we found it an enjoyable two hours of OTT goodness. Loved the effects, Kate was pretttty and there was enough gags and cheesy shots shots to keep us giggling.

"Igor...why do you torment him so?"

"Uh, it's what I do."


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I just saw this - I thought was glorious. Funny, clever and camp as Christmas.

All the set-pieces were great. I could actually follow all the fights.

This movie looks destined to be misunderstood the way Con Air was. It's deliberately daft but never dumb.

Sprite: I thought The Mummy was shit. I didn't bother with the sequel.

Totally agree, although I still found it terrible.

I dont think the amount of faults this film had can simply be waved away by saying "Oooh, we done it all tongue in cheek"

The main gripe I had was that the main villain, Dracula, was so uninteresting and without Charisma that you he may as well have not been there.

Truly bad film 3/10

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Dolph Lundgren is dead? :P;)

I have a soft spot for that film as it was quite close to the comic and had some nice lines. The Lundgren version that is.

I still talk to God sometimes, I ask him if what I'm doing is right or wrong, I'm still waiting for an answer, and until I get one, I'll be waiting, watching, THE GUILTY WILL BE PUNISHED!

Jake: What the fuck do you call 125 murders in 5 years?

The Punisher: Work in progress.

Gianni Franco: There's a limit to revenge, you know.

The Punisher: I guess I just haven't reached mine yet.

[The Punisher is being tortured]

Lady Tanaka: Who sent you?

The Punisher: Batman.

Gianni Franco: Say something.

Punisher: Fuck you.


The new film looks good.

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Saw this on Monday. Utter, utter shite. I don't go for this 'its a great action film, as long as you leave your brain behind' stuff.

A film doesn't have to be intelligent to be good, but Van Helsing was totally pointless, I was bored rigid throughout.

You can hear the Director's commentary now 'this is where we added the special effects'. Gah, it was just too much CGI.

It was just so tedious and long. However, I did like the beginning in black and white. It was when Jackman appeared that it went down hill. He didn't seem to know what film he was in, or care.

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