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The worst reviews of all time

Alex W.

By Alex W.,
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Alex W.

Alex W.

Posted
Posted

Here you go, I'm not going to C&P it.

What a fucking waste of words. Huge fucking attention-destroying paragraphs loaded with redundancy, flimsy arguments (particularly the one regarding the GBA's screen ratio), spending a paragraph prattling on about reviewing technique, and another rambling on about Donkey Kong Country, reiterating, which is to say, repeating, that is, Mojo-Jojoing himself in the "individual scores for aspects of the game" bit...

AAARGH. Saying "It's not as atmospheric or visually varied as Super Metroid and I pit-picked about the level design the whole goddamned way through, and completely missed the bosses somehow, arguably some of the game's biggest weaknesses, because I'm an idiot" would've saved a hell of a lot of time.

Anyway, please add your own.

STUN!

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angel

angel

Posted
Posted

Amiga Action as every review they wrote was appalling and based on advertising revenue.

Official Nintendo Shambles (NMS at the time) saying FF3 was a reasonable rpg.

PSW giving MOHAA 10 to promote the greatness of the PS2.

The entire back catalogue of Loaded and FHM's 'efforts'.

GamesTM's Serious Sam one in the current issue. Couldnt even get the country of origin right. CROteam..Croatia...not too hard is it chaps. Na lets just say US..and dont give me 'US publisher' as an excuse.

Edges disgraceful treatment of the Armou.gifred Core franchise.

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sammy

sammy

Posted
Posted

Didn't NEG get his arse handed to him by the forumites for this sort of thread a couple of months back? It's a reader review for gods sake, at least he manages complete sentences and reasonable grammar.

Edit: Although that Manhunt review by Games TM was a fucking shambles.

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choddo

choddo

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Posted

No, I'm sorry, that is fucking piss poor. I got the impression that he had a worthwhile point to make when he began talking about the atmosphere in Super Metroid, but he concealed it behind the most atrociously clumsy English I've ever been forced to read.

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Alex W.

Alex W.

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It was beautifully polished and presented and all, but I just couldn't enjoy it, I feel it comes down to the clumsy handling more than anything.

I really liked the handling, but I'll admit it is too loose. I still managed to enjoy the game loads, though. Presumably Edge gave into "OMG teh Mario Karts! ANYWHERE!" syndrome like most people (myself included). ;)

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tiedtiger

tiedtiger

Posted
Posted

Arguing about the greater majority of games review is like rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic.

Point

Less.

They're almost all either business-driven, politics-driven or some journo's pet grievance or cause writ large.

I'm not saying ALL reviews and reviewers are bad, just, oh 98% of them.

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choddo

choddo

Posted
Posted
Edges review of Mario Kart: Double Dash. I don't care much for the game myself but that clearly wasn't an objective review, it was a slagging.

What's even more amazing was that they gave the snorefest that was Super Circuit a 9, a 9 goddamnit!

Fucking hell you're mad. Double Dash really is souless shit.

And Valiant... which one?

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Cyhwuhx

Cyhwuhx

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Posted
I have mentioned the Metroid legacy, because I find it strange that so many people take it in such high regard. Many people consider the series to be as good as its best component-Super Metroid-which is entirely false. Nevertheless, the expectations for this game are nothing less than another Super Metroid. Give me brunette Samus any day:)

.::: There has only been one brunette Samus, and she's not in Super Metroid.

Then again he was wrong about 'some other things' as well, but hey, it's an opinion right? ;)

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Cyhwuhx

Cyhwuhx

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.::: Oh yeah, I have read many a terrible review (and written some as well of course), but these are usually 'manual-reviews'. Deliberately stating what every button does, without realising the experience it offers or should convey.

In that way, the above Zero Mission review isn't wrong imo, but I do disagree with it. The fact that he brings in zealous believes ain't helping either.

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Professor Puzzles

Professor Puzzles

Posted
Posted
Games that have no height or length but only depth? Worst. Sentence. EVAR.

Maybe he's a big fan of Sonic Adventure?

I don't know if anyone else has seen this, but in this months FHM there's a review of Ninja Gaiden.

One star.

The reviewer couldn't get past the first boss and turned it off in disgust.

Priceless.

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Alex W.

Alex W.

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Maybe he's a big fan of Sonic Adventure?

I don't know if anyone else has seen this, but in this months FHM there's a review of Ninja Gaiden.

One star.

The reviewer couldn't get past the first boss and turned it off in disgust.

Priceless.

;)

You could not make that up.

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