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The worst reviews of all time

Alex W.

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Mega's review of King Salmon ;) (or maybe it was the best, I'm not sure)

loads of GamesTM's 'completly missed the point / blatantly just angry with the publisher' reviews.

UKOPM's Getaway review, where they gave it a 10, for fuck's sake.

That shitty football title in last months OXM

'Crappy/generic game but it's japanese/based on anime so it get's a 9' NTSC-UK review number 4

any number of reviews for pish FPSs in PC mags that caused me to waste precious money.

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I only ask because, if Mitsuda was a woman, I'd (probably) tongue (her) clit if (she) asked.

The word is "plate" as its sounds more romantic.

Past "I plated her clit"

Future "I will plate her clit"

Present "imm plaatrrringgg heeeerr clighhghtt"

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^ Agreed ^

Wizball rocked.

I'm the worst reviewer of all time. I'm part of the small team at Kilobyte Magzine, a mag focusing on retro machines, and I am the reviews editor, contributing a load of Commodore 64 reviews. Some think I'm critical, I think I'm honest.

Some choice scores: EDIT damnation I just remembered I lost my copies when I formatted the HD. I could ask the editor for some, but from the top of my head...

Each issue, according to the editor, must have one 90-100% review (his choice, not mine) Here are some examples of "classic" games that haven't scored in that range:


Rainbow Islands

Monty Mole


And the ones that have?

Ikari Warriors

Turrican 2 

Ikari Warrors and Turrican were both worthy conversions, BUT Rainbow Islands is proberly one of the best conversions ever on the majority of formats apart from the Spectrum, and thats because the colours were wrong.

That and Ghosts and Goblins.

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Ohh actually Edge giving Final Fantasty 8 Nine out of Ten was STUPID STUPID STUPID.

And to think Castlevania: SOTN only got 8.

Rolling my eyes!!!111

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GamesTM's Serious Sam one in the current issue. Couldnt even get the country of origin right. CROteam..Croatia...not too hard is it chaps. Na lets just say US..and dont give me 'US publisher' as an excuse.

I'm told it was developed by Climax's US office.



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You utter fuckwit

If that was you.

I agree. I think the whole style didn't appeal to me rather than the gameplay - I love the way you get progressively more powerful as you acquire more stuff, and I'm unsure why I gave this such a low mark. 70-80 would have been fairer, I think back when I wrote it I wasn't too keen on the presentation but loved the gameplay - and according to our editor part of the review system is that you give four scores - graphics, sound, gameplay, addictive quality - and then work out an average. And I think I underrated the presentation as opposed to the gameplay.

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In fact, now that the editor's sent me my archive back, I can pull my conclusive quote from it:

As a bouncing ball, you can bounce around the level without even having to touch the joystick, but by using the joystick you can gain some form of control. However, don't even think about trying to complete a level in this way, otherwise you will bound right into an enemy. Wizball is all about power, and the aquisition of power. Shooting certain enemies give you collectibles. The more collectibles you have, the better the power up you can acquire. From a bouncing ball with no cat and a one-way firing mode, you can power yourself up to become the kind of behemoth that I became after a few levels play. Eight-way fire? Complete control in four directions with no gravity? Firepower for your cat? This is what makes Wizball such fun, the way you turn from a powerless fool into an unstoppable (almost) weapon of certain death.

It's not for everyone (again), and you need to be patient to get the most out of it (not to mention perseverent and experimental), but it really is a weird but wonderful thing...

Graphics: 74%

Sound: 49%

Playability: 72%

Addictive Quality: 75%

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At last, i've thought of one :

ZOE 2 (3/10)

EDGE review and scoreline was very harsh. Why? I dunno.

I'd have gone with a 6 as its not really genre busting, but still very playable nonetheless.

I normally go with EDGE's scores but they were way off here methinks.

I really enjoyed the game (i never played the first so this may have helped) and actually finished it for a change. I also liked the Neon Tron Cel shaded style Konami went with.

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It was 4/10. :(

I think the crushing dissapointment of that first quick-fire sequence must've coloured their response to the rest of game. I know it put me off ever playing it (I played it as a demo) in spite of hearing about the treasures found elsewhere.

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Someone should've taken the game off him for a week, then he'd "get" it. I traded in Wario Ware for Burnout 2, and while it felt wise at the time, I still need to get WW back because I miss it so much. :(

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I thought the Graidus 3D game was rather dull.

It doesn't really work in 3D

I found myself really enjoying it. Even the camera didn't bother me (you have to get used to it and i don't like to make an effort if i don't need to).

Its most odd.

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I played it for four hours and have already completed it!

followed by

Surely Nintendo left something for the purist like myself, who likes to leave no stone unturned?

Awesome. Purist what? fucking nob end?

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We have a winner - http://www.bbc.co.uk/leicester/secret_leve...y_advance.shtml

I don't think this guy reviewed anything for us again.

Jesus sodding crikey. So that means I'm good enough to write for the BBC! Woo!

I think a lot of people are commenting more on reviews they don't agree with rather than ones that are particularly bad. But wahey, that's just me.

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CV+G Magazine did a review of Taz back in 1993, they gave it 94% or something like that. Stupid as I was I bought the review score, then bought the game. That friggin score would have been wron even with mirrored figures, 49% would be waay to high a score for this utter piece of horse manure.... Still, I kept on reading that bloody mag...

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Also Edge's Morrowind review...: 6/10 :blink:

The review was based on the XBOX version, but I doubt the game is THAT much poorer on the box compared to the PC version. Morrowind deserved at least a 7, maybe even 8!

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